Break up and Regret :(
09 February 2026
Going through a breakup. First time being the breakup-er in a serious relationship. It felt like the only option but now I am regretting every single decision I have ever made! NOT fun! Do not recommend!!!
The reason I decided to break up with my ex was because I felt like something was missing. In one of our conversations, I told her that I didn't feel 100% myself in the city we were living in (for context I am living abroad in a city that I don't particularly love and that I think steals my personality and soul) so that it felt impossible to give 100% of myself to her or the relationship.
She was so understanding (of course she was, she is amazing). So I decided to give it time. I was hoping that time would give me that thing that I was missing and that would allow me to give 100% of myself to the relationship. But it never came (SURPRISE! Things don't just magically get better with time, APPARENTLY you have to do the work).
In hindsight, I realize that I (THINK I) must have been at least a little depressed. It was hard to find the motivation to do ANYTHING. I was just existing, going through the motions. She would pick me up and I would find it hard to have a conversations. I would meet her in the gym and I couldn't even kiss her hello. Most of the time I was in a bad mood for no reason. Even when I was alone, all I wanted was to lay down and let the day go by. I was so unmotivated.
I forced myself to do things thinking that this would help, and to some extent it did. But as a queer, immigrant, women who despises winter with every ounce of her soul and NEEDS access to mountains, beaches, or some sort of nature in general I think a little more work was needed to be happy in a place that hates all of these things and is also COLD AND FLAT. I tried therapy, and my therapist ghosted me and for some reason I did not try to find another one (the reason being that I also had to do physical therapy and because I am stingy as fuckkk I decided to only do one at a time, this relationship was the highest price to pay for my fucking stinginess).
When I first was getting to know my ex, I remember telling her I was scared to get into a relationship because I had JUST moved to a new city and knowing myself, a relationship would become a safe space that I would be sheltered in. It meant that I never felt like I needed to find a community, or my own places. Although I am very independent and I am sure I would have found thesed things eventually, I think that is what happened. I got comfortable in the relationship and I stopped trying to find my own happiness. Which is NOT the relationship's or my ex's fault, it is 100000% on me. I knew from the start that is was a possibility and that I was prone to that and I still let it happen. I can not for the life of me understand why. Here is a dumb metaphor: The comfort zone was like a rug, I was so scared to step outside of it and for some dumb dumb dumb stupid reason the only way I thought I could "touch the ground" was to have the rug pulled from under me. So, at the time, with very little community and sources of joy other than the relationship, it felt like the only way I would ever find that happiness would be to move somewhere else. The choice felt like it was unequivocably between the relationship and the move.
This was around december, which meant I was flying home for the holidays. What was initially meant to be a two week trip turned into a months because of issues with my visa. During my time at home I felt myself come back to life My personality, my sense of humor, my motivation, my energy. I felt like myself again. I don't know what it was, maybe seeing my family, maybe seeing my friends, maybe speaking my own language, maybe the sun, the mountains, the beaches, idk. Probably a combination of everything. This made it clear in my head, I have to get out of the city I am living in, which in my head at the time meant I had to break up with my ex. So when she asked for reassurance or asked if I missed her, it felt less cruel to break up with her than to tell her the truth, which is that I DO miss her but I also missed being myself and that I felt like I had to choose between the two.
The truth is if I had allowd myself to open up with my ex, I know she would have understood and done anything and everything in her power to help me. I was to afraid to be vulnerable, to be seen as weak or pathetic. Ironic becasue THAT is the truly pathetic behaviour. I will probably always regret not giving the relationship and her a chance to get to know this, more authentic, version of myself. My ex definitely deserved more than what I was giving her and that is something that I always felt. I always knew that the "real" me could have given her the love she deserved but because I was NOT myself I always felt like I was giving her a fraction of the love she deserved and a watered down version of myself, which made the entire relationship feel doomed, and made me constantly feel like I was doing something wrong and wasting her time. I feel devastated!!!
I feel extremely sad and regretful of this. I don't know if it would've worked out, I still think moving to a different city is the healthy and right choice for me but I do think that if I had been more open and vulnerable with my ex, I would have given the relationship a chance to work and I would have given her a chance to understand me and love me for who I am, which is what she deserved. I will probably always regret not doing that.
She will never read this but at least now it's out in the cyberworld and not just in my head.
I am trying to be kind to myself, reminding myself that at the time it truly did feel like breaking up was the only option and that I was doing what I thought was best for both of us. I did not have the tools or the maturity to get my head out of my ass and realize that I could have done things differently and that other options exist. It's hard not to feel like a complete idiot for not being more open and vulnerable and for not giving the relationship a chance to work. Who knows if it even would've worked, it just sucks to think that the reason it didn't was because I didn't let it.
Going through a breakup. First time being the breakup-er in a serious relationship. It felt like the only option but now I am regretting every single decision I have ever made! NOT fun! Do not recommend!!!
The reason I decided to break up with my ex was because I felt like something was missing. In one of our conversations, I told her that I didn't feel 100% myself in the city we were living in (for context I am living abroad in a city that I don't particularly love and that I think steals my personality and soul) so that it felt impossible to give 100% of myself to her or the relationship.
She was so understanding (of course she was, she is amazing). So I decided to give it time. I was hoping that time would give me that thing that I was missing and that would allow me to give 100% of myself to the relationship. But it never came (SURPRISE! Things don't just magically get better with time, APPARENTLY you have to do the work).
In hindsight, I realize that I (THINK I) must have been at least a little depressed. It was hard to find the motivation to do ANYTHING. I was just existing, going through the motions. She would pick me up and I would find it hard to have a conversations. I would meet her in the gym and I couldn't even kiss her hello. Most of the time I was in a bad mood for no reason. Even when I was alone, all I wanted was to lay down and let the day go by. I was so unmotivated.
I forced myself to do things thinking that this would help, and to some extent it did. But as a queer, immigrant, women who despises winter with every ounce of her soul and NEEDS access to mountains, beaches, or some sort of nature in general I think a little more work was needed to be happy in a place that hates all of these things and is also COLD AND FLAT. I tried therapy, and my therapist ghosted me and for some reason I did not try to find another one (the reason being that I also had to do physical therapy and because I am stingy as fuckkk I decided to only do one at a time, this relationship was the highest price to pay for my fucking stinginess).
When I first was getting to know my ex, I remember telling her I was scared to get into a relationship because I had JUST moved to a new city and knowing myself, a relationship would become a safe space that I would be sheltered in. It meant that I never felt like I needed to find a community, or my own places. Although I am very independent and I am sure I would have found thesed things eventually, I think that is what happened. I got comfortable in the relationship and I stopped trying to find my own happiness. Which is NOT the relationship's or my ex's fault, it is 100000% on me. I knew from the start that is was a possibility and that I was prone to that and I still let it happen. I can not for the life of me understand why. Here is a dumb metaphor: The comfort zone was like a rug, I was so scared to step outside of it and for some dumb dumb dumb stupid reason the only way I thought I could "touch the ground" was to have the rug pulled from under me. So, at the time, with very little community and sources of joy other than the relationship, it felt like the only way I would ever find that happiness would be to move somewhere else. The choice felt like it was unequivocably between the relationship and the move.
This was around december, which meant I was flying home for the holidays. What was initially meant to be a two week trip turned into a months because of issues with my visa. During my time at home I felt myself come back to life My personality, my sense of humor, my motivation, my energy. I felt like myself again. I don't know what it was, maybe seeing my family, maybe seeing my friends, maybe speaking my own language, maybe the sun, the mountains, the beaches, idk. Probably a combination of everything. This made it clear in my head, I have to get out of the city I am living in, which in my head at the time meant I had to break up with my ex. So when she asked for reassurance or asked if I missed her, it felt less cruel to break up with her than to tell her the truth, which is that I DO miss her but I also missed being myself and that I felt like I had to choose between the two.
The truth is if I had allowd myself to open up with my ex, I know she would have understood and done anything and everything in her power to help me. I was to afraid to be vulnerable, to be seen as weak or pathetic. Ironic becasue THAT is the truly pathetic behaviour. I will probably always regret not giving the relationship and her a chance to get to know this, more authentic, version of myself. My ex definitely deserved more than what I was giving her and that is something that I always felt. I always knew that the "real" me could have given her the love she deserved but because I was NOT myself I always felt like I was giving her a fraction of the love she deserved and a watered down version of myself, which made the entire relationship feel doomed, and made me constantly feel like I was doing something wrong and wasting her time. I feel devastated!!!
I feel extremely sad and regretful of this. I don't know if it would've worked out, I still think moving to a different city is the healthy and right choice for me but I do think that if I had been more open and vulnerable with my ex, I would have given the relationship a chance to work and I would have given her a chance to understand me and love me for who I am, which is what she deserved. I will probably always regret not doing that.
She will never read this but at least now it's out in the cyberworld and not just in my head.
I am trying to be kind to myself, reminding myself that at the time it truly did feel like breaking up was the only option and that I was doing what I thought was best for both of us. I did not have the tools or the maturity to get my head out of my ass and realize that I could have done things differently and that other options exist. It's hard not to feel like a complete idiot for not being more open and vulnerable and for not giving the relationship a chance to work. Who knows if it even would've worked, it just sucks to think that the reason it didn't was because I didn't let it.